ML2 Sample E-Newsletter
ML2 Newsletter #125: 02/23/05 - "Are You Living a Deferred Life?"
Contents:
1. A Deferred Life: The Moral
2. Shameless Promotions' Unlikely Mix: Breast Cancer and Weddings
3. Do You Live by Calculation or Commitment?
4. Question of the Month: Will You Die with Your Music Still Inside?
5. Request of the Month: Ethical Wills
1. A Deferred Life: The Moral
"You're here to love, and be loved, freely. If you find out
next week that you are terminally ill -- and we're all
terminally ill on this
bus -- all that will matter is memories
of beauty, that people loved you, and you loved them,
and that you tried to help the poor and innocent."
--
Anne Lamott, author
I can't tell you how many times people tell me of changes they want to make, things they want to do, but they are waiting for... something! A cliché because of its truth, life isn't a dress rehearsal. The Tibetan proverb cautions, "The next life or tomorrow, we can never be certain which will come first."
I see so many career paths where you head off to corporate America until you can't stand it, then do what you wanted to do, often something "smaller," in the first place. Why not focus at the start on "achieving" a life of working and living in a place you belong, doing work that matters with people you care about?
Maybe you think you won't make it without a "safety net." Maybe you feel the timing isn't right. It never is -- until a crisis pushes you. It's always easier to put those plans on hold with a set of excuses and unacknowledged assumptions that cause you to fear taking a path less traveled. It's always more comfortable to go the safe route. But will you have the chance again to get over to that other road?
It is often said that if you want to give God a good laugh, show her your plans. It's not that we shouldn't plan: It's that we shouldn't only plan. It's not that we should be impatient, unwilling to put in the time required to build relationships. It's that the path in and of itself should have a sense of joy and reward, too.
I know few happy, successful people -- or for that matter, sustainable, profitable organizations -- that do not take risks and do things before they are forced to do them due to the vagaries of life or the marketplace. As John Lennon cautioned, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."
"Some
people are walking around with full use of
their bodies and they're more paralyzed than I am."
-- Christopher Reeve, super-man
2. Shameless Promotions' Unlikely Mix: Breast Cancer and
Weddings
"Blessed
are those who can give without
remembering and take without forgetting."
-- Elizabeth Bibesco, poet
In the past few months I have learned that over a dozen of my female friends got breast cancer in 2004. While some cases were more severe than others were, all are doing fine -- thanks in large part to early detection via mammograms.
Several e-mails this past month have mentioned that the Breast Cancer site does not have enough people visiting it and clicking "fund free mammograms." It only takes a few seconds. Why not put http://www.thebreastcancersite.com at the top of your Internet Favorites list and click "fund free mammograms" for women in need each time you go on the Internet? (I have it on top, with the Hunger site right beneath it, http://www.thehungersite.com.)
"When
you meet someone who can cook and do
housework, don't hesitate a minute -- marry him."
-- Rita Rudner, comedian
On a lighter note, we have some ML2 marriages coming up this spring/summer. ML2 tribe member Ian Fisk, who was married two years ago, found a way to redirect some of the money from one of the great extravagances in American life to organizations fighting for social and economic justice.
The 2002 brainchild of executive director Bethany Robertson, Peter Murray, and Lawrence Miller, I Do Foundation integrates charitable giving into a wedding (and honeymoon, too, if you like). There are many ways this is done -- through direct donations, gift registries, and the like, all done in the name of the happy couple -- so go to their site and take a look. You can select the charity of your choice, including a new Tsunami relief section.
I Do also has tips and ideas for the socially conscious, such as help on running an eco-friendly wedding, giving charitable favors, donating your wedding dress, and ensuring proper etiquette for the socially conscious bride… or groom. For more information beyond their Website, you can contact Bethany directly at bethany.robertson@idofoundation.org. And please pass the information on to your engaged friends!
"It
is high time the ideal of success
should be replaced with the ideal of service."
-- Albert Einstein, Nobel Laureate in physics
3. Do You Live by Calculation or Commitment?
"The
price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."
-- Henry David Thoreau, philosopher
Certainly, she was not living her life by default, but by design. She wasn't going to let things just happen to her. She had plans. She knew what she needed to do. Or so she thought. You see, the problem was, she hated her life. And the prospects for the foreseeable future, I must say, did not look much better.
The person in question was a brave young lady who attended my afternoon session at Harvard Business School a month ago. It was one of my regular annual b-school visits to about a dozen schools each year. It was not one of my better days, but this woman's comments after my speech were worth the price of admission. Having done over 150 of these b-school sessions in the past 15 years, I had never heard such a cold, stark story from anyone -- student or executive.
I stood in shock as she continued to describe her life -- a calculated set of tasks -- trials she would endure to get the "credibility I need as an Asian woman in business." While I could not say she was wrong, I could say that there are many ways to "build a platform, your personal brand in the business world" and that one should consider the price of what you believe is required.
"Why
do brokerage firms pay so well? The price
of a soul is expensive. But when looking at the rich,
we never think about that. We just want their things."
-- Paul Stiles, Riding the Bull
Honest to a fault, no tear or crack in her voice, she responded, "I hate every day I spend here at Harvard Business School. But it's something I must do. Next, I will go on to a top graduate school to get another master's degree, then a doctorate. I will hate every day, but that is what a person like me must do."
My first inclination was to walk over to her and give her a hug -- bothbecause of her willingness to share such revelations and because of my deep sympathy for her, for the way she saw her life's options. But I realized that would be highly inappropriate and embarrassing for her in this setting. Instead, I spent a few moments reasoning with her, talked of the journey of the heart, and had a spiritually minded friend add her comments before moving to the next question.
Once before I had experienced a brave young man at Stanford Business School who broke down in front of the class as he talked about his personal torture of a family who wanted him in investment banking, while his heart was in non-profit inner city work (where he ended up!). That had warmth and heart, not the cold, almost cruel, set of calculations that this unfortunate young woman had made.
"For what profit a man, if he gain
the whole world and lose his own soul?"
-- The Gospel According to Mark
"What we need, what every organization needs, are people who are committed to the company and its mission. You can't buy commitment; you can't mandate it. You can only invite it. And to invite it, you need to engage the passion of every employee."
Kenny Moore, the subject of Newsletter #91 and the "monk" in the book, The CEO and the Monk: One Company's Journey to Profit and Purpose, was musing. We were sharing ideas and morning coffee with my friend Peter Patch at the 12th annual Net Impact Conference "Business Leaders Building a Better World." A former priest and now Corporate Ombudsman -- "what I really do is awaken joy, meaning and commitment in the workplace" -- at multi-billion dollar energy company, KeySpan, Kenny reports directly to Robert Catell, CEO since 1991. In many ways, he is Catell's eyes and ears for thousands of KeySpan employees.
Relying on that knowledge, CEO Catell, Kenny and the executive team have led a massive cultural change at KeySpan, taking many risks along the way. Those risks were required to navigate successfully in an industry that went through gut-wrenching mergers and deregulation in the mid-to-late 1990s.
We talk about that fact that "commitment" is a term that applies to companies as well as individuals. In many ways, we agree that KeySpan shows a commitment to its employees, and though it can take years, particularly for union employees, trust has grown. And as trust grows, so does employee commitment.
As we contrasted KeySpan's practices and experiences with other companies whose "soft" programs seem to come and go with the economy, Peter pointed out: "For some, it's a calculation; for others, it's a commitment."
Peter's organizational comment strikes me that rainy November morning at New York's Columbia B-School… as it would again two months later in a more personal context with that young woman at Harvard.
"People
want to work for a cause, not for a living."
-- Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow
Commitment or calculation? I thought…
Is that company really committed to customer service, or is it simply a mantra they follow that is implemented when it serves the company to do so and dropped when it looks like there is a quicker way to make a profit? Like "people are our most important asset?"
Is that entrepreneur, is that new employee, really committed to seeing that this business is a success, or is this just another entry on the résumé?
Is that person committed to this relationship or is it just the best thing to do now?
I told my friends of a study Goldman Sachs and I had conducted on what factors were the best predictors of a retailer's stock valuation five-years hence. The second mist important factor could best be defined by the word "commitment": When you walked into the head office, you could either "feel" enthusiasm and commitment -- people engaged in what they were doing -- or you didn't.
You can feel it, you can "smell it," with an individual as well. If one is committed, that positive energy draws similar positive spiritual energy from others, too.
"Somewhere we must come to see that human progress
never rolls in on the wheels of inevitability. It comes
through the tireless efforts and the persistent
work of dedicated individuals who are
willing to be co-workers
with God."
-- Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Zana Briski personifies the word "commitment." I wrote about Zana in Newsletter #115, and her documentary film project, Born into Brothels -- a project of hope for children who might otherwise be slaves of the child sex trade in India. I was able to connect Zana with Geralyn White-Dreyfous and Josh Mailman, who helped Zana with media contacts and funding. Her film premiered in a few small theatres last April.
In December ( Newsletter #123) I reported that BIB had won 27 major film festival awards, was on the short list for the Academy Awards, and was coming to the big screen in selective release. On January 25th it was announced that Born into Brothels (THINKFilm): A Red Light Films, Inc. Production; Ross Kauffman and Zana Briski, was one of the five nominations for Best Documentary Feature!
Needless to say, I'll be rooting for Zana on Sunday, February 27th. I sent an e-mail congratulating her on the Oscar nomination and the Time magazine article (February 7, 2005, "The Sins of the Mothers: A courageous documentary shows kids trying to escape Calcutta brothels."). Her reply typifies Zana: "Thank you, Mark! The kids are very excited about the Oscars!" Learn more about the film at http://www.thinkfilmcompany.com/brothels.
After a decade of commitment, Zana still lives on minimal resources. Please help her non-profit through donations or purchase of prints or the BIB photo book at http://www.kids-with-cameras.org/bornintobrothels/book.php.
"Service
is the very purpose of life.
It is the rent we pay for living on the planet."
-- Marion Wright Edelman, founder, Children's Defense Fund
4. Question of the Month: Will You Die with Your Music Still Inside?
"Death
is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest
loss in life is what dies inside us while we live."
-- Norman Cousins, editor and essayist
It's one of Kenny's favorite quotations -- Oliver Wendell Holmes', "Most people will go to their graves with their music still in them." It's also not a problem for him. "No deferred life plan for me," states Kenny categorically, "not after having the good fortune of being diagnosed with 'incurable' cancer, at its most advanced stages. When I came back to work, I had what monks call 'holy indifference.'
"I decided it wasn't worth waiting to try to be who you are. I gave up climbing the corporate ladder and decided to rearrange my priorities. I decided to spend my time being authentic and contributing to the corporate good, to the good of others. At work, I found myself speaking my mind more. I took more risks. I developed a greater sense of humor.
"One advantage to surviving terminal illnesses is you don't really care about outcomes. At the end of the day, if I was still alive, I considered it a success." As a result, he just kept getting promoted.
Having now survived two near death experiences, Kenny's lifetime goal is to spend more time playing his music. That means bringing the priest into work each day. He is a writer and a watercolor artist, too. In fact, last week I went to a morning session which he and the CEO orchestrated, promoting their insightful book, The CEO and the Monk. On display was Kenny's artwork, crafted into gift cards and given away to audience members who "asked good questions."
"After all, our job as executives is to ask good questions. Jesus was asked about 180 questions to which he gave no answers, but instead, told a story, finishing off with the question thrown back at you. Remember: the core competencies of any top executive are to listen, ask the right questions, and tell good stories. As Picasso said, 'Computers are useless. All they can do is give you answers.' He knew a lot about leadership, too!"
"You have to learn how to duck,
because they're gonna throw it at you."
-- Arthur Miller, the late, Pulitzer-prize winning playwright
How exactly does Kenny the Priest keep playing his music in ways that offer value to KeySpan? While you can always read the book, or look at Newsletter #91, which describes Kenny's unique "Somebody Loves You, Mr. Hatch" corporate recognition/kindness program, let me give an example of how a priest adds value in corporate America by being himself -- even moreso!
Kenny's first major charge from CEO Catell came in 1994. It was to help the company make the difficult transition from being a regulated monopoly to a deregulated competitor. "I told him that change starts not with the beginning, but with the ending. I suggested that we hold a corporate funeral. It would help us go through all of Kubler-Ross' five stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, although as comedian Steven Wright reminds us, 'Depression is simply anger without the enthusiasm.'"
With intra-company political support from CEO Catell, who himself wasn't sure if Kenny were crazy -- "But so be it. I knew we had to do something different. We were entering uncharted waters and had to take risks or we wouldn't make it."
Priest Moore officiated a corporate funeral. He ran sessions with 400 employees who later became the company's apostles to the rest of the employees. They discussed what they'd leave behind and what they would bring with them in their transition to a new beginning. Artist Moore brought in a graphic artist to draw a mural of the company's future direction in the cafeteria so all could participate. He tried to make activities engaging, but knew skepticism was high.
"There's
no such thing as not being afraid."
-- Robert De Niro, actor
"When I began these meetings, being a priest was invaluable, as I was used to silence. I'd ask questions and wait for a response. At first, it might take several minutes. But we got the hang of it. We eventually understood that just like a midwife, we would support and commit to the new life, the new KeySpan, even though we also knew that the baby might not make it. Now, we could begin!"
Kenny staged game shows like "Let's Make a Deal" where he would offer an employee money or the choice of "what's behind the curtain, what's in this box, or what's in this envelope." It would turn out that behind the curtain was a sign that said "a corner office;" the box held a "promotion;" the envelope contained a card that read "meaningful work." "What will we bury, what do we want to take with us on our journey?" Kenny would ask.
Kenny even brought in an improvisational comedian to loosen people up to take chances. Catell's involvement and willingness to take risks and make fun of himself was critical to its success of the funeral -- a success that cemented this unusual relationship.
"Going through tough times is a wonderful thing,
and everybody should try it. Once…
Work hard to take the gamble out of the
gamble."
-- Donald Trump, TV business personality
Kenny has a simple exercise for people stuck in deferred life plans. He asks you to team up with one other person. Each of you will speak to the other for three minutes, during which time the other person will make no comments, just listen. After one is done, then the second person goes. Your job is to discuss what you need to unload, to leave behind, to let go of, so you can move on with your professional life. Then your job will be to bury it.
Most participants find the exercise brings with it unexpected emotions. After all, that's what Kenny deals with, the unexpected, the mysteries of life. "As a manager, a supervisor, you have problems to deal with that require a solution. You come up with a solution and you go home feeling pretty good.
"Then you get promoted and no longer do you deal with problems, but just as in much of life, you have 'predicaments' where there are no solutions. At best, you can get movement in what you think is the 'right' direction. But you go home feeling lousy. If you 'solved' this, than 'that' falls apart. And you have to live with that. Many can't, and they go back to micro managing, as they feel comfortable doing that job, rather than dealing with bigger questions.
"The theological word for 'predicament' is 'mystery' -- the questions of good versus evil, of suffering and injustice in the world. These issues are the mainstays of business and organizations, too. Your job as a leader is to keep asking the right questions, and then keep your mouth shut."
Kenny maintains that as a priest working in a corporation, he is an educator: "As it means in the Greek, 'catch what comes forward.' We are like the midwives. We don't deliver babies. We catch them -- something I have been training for all my life." And if he misses, he will be on to his next great adventure. But he hasn't missed yet.
"Do
you want to be on your deathbed
saying 'I played by all the rules' or I lived?"
-- Sandra Bullock, Forces of Nature
5. Request of the Month: Ethical Wills
"For
three days after death, hair and fingernails continue
to grow but phone calls [and e-mails] taper off."
-- Johnny Carson, the late, great entertainer
I met Dr. Ron Dushkin years ago at Kripalu, a yoga and retreat center in the Berkshires (western Massachusetts). He was then called by his Hindu name, "Chidanand." He was kind, sensitive and perceptive -- a wonderful teacher.
Today, Ron is the same man, but now he helps people as a holistic doctor in New York City. During a lengthy telephone chat, he shared what he calls an "early eulogy." "What you do is basically tell people now, before they (or you) die, what you think of them. How much you love them, how much they mean to you and others, and the like. I try to get many of my clients to write one."
Now, I don't mean to be morbid, but it's not a bad idea. Why defer it? If you try it, tell me how it goes at drmark@makingalife.com. I would love to see some, and, of course, will not use any publicly without your written permission.
"I
would like to learn, or remember, how to live."
-- Anne Dillard, author
The more I thought of what Ron proposed, the more ethical wills came to mind. Unlike traditional wills, which are legal documents that transfer worldly possessions, an ethical will bequeaths values, ideas, and personal reflections to family members and other loved ones.
Ethical wills were first described in Genesis, Chapter 49; references can also be found in John Chapters 15-18 and in other cultures. Initially, ethical wills were transmitted orally. Over time, they evolved into written documents.
Today people often write them at turning points in their lives. They may include important personal and spiritual values and beliefs, hopes and blessings for future generations, life's lessons, love, and forgiving others and asking for forgiveness. Get more information and examples at http://www.ethicalwill.com.
Here's one from "This I Believe: Documents of American Jewish Life," compiled by Jacob Rader Marcus (Northvale, N.J.: Jason Aronson, 1990). I found it thanks to Kevin Proffitt, the Senior Archivist for Research and Collections at the Jacob Rader Marcus Center of the American Jewish Archives in Cincinnati, Ohio.
"Death
and life. Two aspects of the
same thing, which is being, becoming."
-- Joseph Campbell, mythologist
On March 30, 1945, Corporal Harold Katz, a youngster from the Bronx, was cited for bravery in action. After two of his comrades had been wounded in an attack on the German town of Attweilmann, this medical technician exposed himself to enemy fire, gave first aid to his comrades, and was himself seriously wounded. Although unable to move his legs, he pushed the other wounded soldiers to safety. Later, he was killed in action. A letter found on his person was sent to his mother. This is what he wrote.
Dear Mom,
I realize that this is a war and that men will be killed winning it, and since I am included in these I know there is a possibility of my not coming back. If you receive this letter it will be because that possibility has come true. I am writing this letter now, while I have the chance, in the hope that it will ease the weight of the sad news, in that it will make you better understand my viewpoint.
Mom, I want you to know that I asked for a combat assignment. I did so for several reasons. One is that I had certain ideals within my own mind, for which I had often argued verbally. I didn't feel right to sit safe, far behind the lines, while men were risking their lives for principles which I would fight for only with my lips. I felt that I also must be willing to risk my life in the fight for the freedom of speech and thought I was using and hoped to use in the future.
Another reason.... is the fact that I am Jewish. I felt again, it wasn't right for me to be safe behind the lines, while others were risking their lives, with one of their goals the principle of no race prejudice. I knew this meant fighting for me and my family because if Hitler won, my family -- you, Rolly, and Pop -- would certainly suffer more than the families of other soldiers who died in the fight.
I felt that I must risk my life so that I could earn the right for my family to live in peace and free from race prejudice. I didn't think it right to stand by and let others fight for things which would benefit me. I asked for combat for the above reasons. Those are the feelings I had inside me, Mom, and I could not push them aside. I felt if I did not face them, I was not a man of true good character.
I hope you realize exactly what I am trying to tell you, Mom. I want you very much to be more proud than sorry. I don't want you to think of it as losing a son for no good reason, but rather as sacrificing a son so that all of mankind could live in a peaceful and free world.
"You
gave your life to become the person
you are right now. Was it worth it?"
-- Richard Bach, One
May you make footprints in the sands of time -- dr. Mark
Living is Giving
ML2: Making a Life, Making a Living® drMark@makingalife.com
Dr. Mark S. Albion's ML2 E-Newsletter serves people in 87 countries
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